I wanna dance so vicious
Wanna stop crying when I do the dishes
Brady told me about how when you are feeling something, it is good to express it in your body. If you are excited, express that emotion physically! If you are angry, represent it with a movement!
My back hurts. It’s hurt for a long time. A year sitting in a cubicle only made it worse, and now I am finally facing this physical issue that I have been avoiding for a while.
Isolation makes you face the things you have been running from. I thought I was in the belly of the whale before moving; now I feel this way more than ever.
In a weird way, I am coming back to myself, though, by doing little things I haven’t done in a long time.
High school Renee used to put a song she likes on repeat over and over and over, not caring if she got sick of it. Young Renee pretended she was a character when she needed a quality she didn’t have; young Renee read a lot; she immersed herself in the media she consumed.
Some of my favorite memories growing up were in my childhood home, a one-story building my parents built for us in the suburbs of my hometown. For some reason, they painted the living room a brick/maroon hue, and the open concept kitchen a bright butter yellow. My mom had dusty bottles of decorative chili peppers on the walls, and decorations of coffee cups with little sayings like “Don’t talk to me before I had my coffee!”
This kitchen is Christmas to me; it’s my sister’s Pokémon-themed birthday, it’s the sound of my childhood dog’s nails clicking on the linoleum, it’s the place where I made gingerbread houses, chocolate chip cookies, birthday cakes, and sugar cookies. I sat at the dining table in this kitchen, practicing my multiplication tables and phonics. I sat at that table and learned how to play dominoes and Catan. I sat there with a full plate in front of me long after everyone left the dinner table (I wasn’t able to get up until it was empty)
My family watched TV shows together a lot. When I was really young, we were watching Twilight Zone, and I noticed a tooth was loose. It is a core memory of mine, my dad gripping my tooth with pliers as a man is chased by his murderous technology seeking vengeance against him. He came back for my canines as I watched the last man on Earth accidentally crush his glasses. That night I went to bed with 3 fewer teeth than I started the day with.
During movie nights, Mom would pop popcorn and mix in chocolate chips and Cheez-Its, and sometimes Dad would make root beer floats.
On my 8th birthday, I got a pair of tap shoes and practiced on the linoleum of that kitchen floor, my face swollen and sore from falling on my face rollerskating. We watched Nim’s Island that night (rented from Redbox), and I dreamed of my future as a big tapdancing star.
I rewatched the Batman movies recently, first the Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher films and then the Christopher Nolan Trilogy. This unexpectedly made me feel so connected to my youth, to those days immersed in whatever movie my Dad wanted me to see.
Young Renee was obsessed with superheroes. I devoured every Spider-Man comic I could find, and tore through my Dad’s comic collection (Secret Wars was my favorite)
I always liked Batman but didn’t get super into DC because my dad’s collection was mainly Marvel. It was hard to have access to comics before Kindles and online services, but whenever we went to Barnes and Noble we would sit as a family and read our books of choice, sipping our java chip frappucinnos for hours on end– especially if we were planning on going to see a movie and needed to waste some time beforehand. I’d go straight for the comic section and flip through them until I found a superhero that piqued my interest.
One movie night in our gaudy red living room, we began the Tim Burton & Joel Schumacher Batman movies. I remember these movies so vividly: the colors, the characters, the music, the action. I was obsessed with transformation as a kid; that was the main reason I loved Superheros– the origin story was my favorite. I loved how Pamela Isley was just a nobody scientist until she was transformed by her plant samples into Poison Ivy. I love how Selina Kyle was an awkward receptionist before transforming into Catwoman.
The origin story mattered a lot to me– what made them who they are? Did they transform through science or magic? Do they even technically have superpowers?
After watching these movies again, I was struck with a sudden tenderness for the younger me, and was sad that I felt so far away from her. I remember when all the actors in movies weren’t actors; they were the characters themselves. Now, on rewatching, Jack Nicholson is so much more than the Joker; I am familiar with him and his other work.
I understand the appeal to nostalgia now… coming back to these things gives the same pleasure that comes from pushing on a bruise that was already there.
I miss being a kid. I miss when the creativity flowed so freely I had to fight to calm my brain down. I would make up intricate stories for characters, orchestrate crossovers, soak up whatever lore I could find; I would escape into that world.
I live in the real world now, and I haven’t set foot in that house in over 10 years. During Thanksgiving, my family would meet at a house in the same neighborhood, and I would always drive by, hoping to angle myself just right to see if the cherry blossom tree I planted all those years ago was still there.
Trying to get a handle on my heart
Whys it so hard?
It unexpectedly hurts getting back in contact with this part of me, and I am grieving the parts of me I can’t tend to because I am too busy keeping myself afloat doing Adult Things.
Life is so completely unrecognizable now to my childhood, especially since technology has advanced so much. I think the world moving so fast has made me feel really old.
Brady says that it is good to express your emotions in your body, so for my birthday I asked for a yoga mat and have been doing stretches whenever I think to. Sometimes I feel really stressed and then realize my entire jaw and shoulders are clenched up. I want to loosen up and feel more free. Waking up my mind has been waking up my body, and vice versa, in the belly of the whale. Guess I will be here until it’s time to go, or at least when Gotham needs me most.
Song credit: Elton John by Miya Folick
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